Blog - May 2005
11:49 - 31/05/2005 - I hate life sometimes, I really do. -
Nobody seems to care how I'm feeling at the moment at least not enough to take an active interest. This is a bit hypocritical of me lately because I haven't really been taking much of an active interest in other people's lives, and I'm sure some people I know have got some problems going at the moment and I haven't asked them how they are feeling, but it's pissed me off that yesterday I didn't start a conversation with anyone (except for greetings on the way past, talking to my CS mates etc) just to see if anyone would actually start a conversation with me, text me see how I was feeling. No one fucking did, Matt said Hi after midnight as did Ronak via Nikki's phone, though Ronak was just pissing about and didn't actually want to talk to me, but thanks to Matt :).
I'm being completely self-absorbed at the moment and I'm getting pissed off at other people for also being self-absorbed so I should probably take my own advice, and get over myself and go ask other people how they are doing, see if I can help them and they'll probably return the favour, and who cares if I asked first? The thing is, I'm still very upset about breaking up with Rachel & I'm getting stressed out because I can't do some of this physics that I really should be able to, and I'm lonely. The worst thing is I'd know Rachel would understand exactly how I was feeling even before I finished ineptly trying explaining it to her and she'd know just what to do and say to make me feel better, which is just making me cry. I have no idea how to end this little plea for attention so I guess this will have to do, shame that only four people I know are probably going to read this.
19:00 - 28/05/2005 - Teh Valid XHTML0rz -
Right my website has been php0rized using my l33t notepad skillz... anway the upshot of this is all pages refer to a separate file for the menu box and the Site Information box, thanks to matt for pointing out the stupidly easy way of doing this :). I've also made every single god damn page Valid XHTML v1.0, and the CSS file is also Valid. So muhahahaha! Now I'm going to play CS:S and later instead of revising I shall probably work on de_dusk. Hoorah! (Oh I'd just like to say that I occasionally like it when I have to go through my Vinyl Collection pages because it reminds me of how much I LOVE Hard Trance :D).
02:22 - 28/05/2005 - You Know I Said... -
You know I said that I was going to do more revision after dinner? I lied, I didn't. You know I said I was going to tell you about the new site design after my exams, I lied, I've just gone and done it all since I last posted. I hope you like :), here is a picture of the old site for posterity or something, this site *should* look exactly the same on all browsers, except that IE refuses to make the link borders on images the same colour as every other damn hyperlink. You know I said I'd tell you a little about my new map on my blog, I lied, take a look here [edit: removed dead link] instead. Now I think I'm going to go to sleep.
17:17 - 27/05/2005 - Sniffly Revision -
I just revised for 4 hours straight! Managed to finish off the revision cards and most of the problem sheets for V&W, this only leaves 5 other courses to do :(. Considering it took me five days to do one, things don't look good, but if I'm honest with myself I did fuck all in the first two days. I have nine days till my exams so if I work for at least four hours a day I should be able to almost get everything done, then take into account the time I have in the week of the exam and I should be able to get them all done to the level I have done V&W and have the day before each exam to just go over the relevant subjects for the next days exam :). So things don't look so bleak! Now I've technically done my four hours for today, but if I do more than four hours a day, I'll do even better! So I'm gonna go to the library after dinner.
I had to go to the basement of the Physics Department, to the quiet study area, because it's too god damn hot in my room. Also I either have a really bad cold, or really bad hayfever, I dunno which, I never used to get Hayfever but I had it last year so it could be that. The fact it's hundred times worse in my room (with a wide open window next with shit loads of trees upwind) suggests it's hayfever not a cold. Sucks whatever it is. Oh and I'm damn hungry, whenever I get caught up in something I tend to forget to eat :(. At some point I shall tell you about the new website design and a map I've been working on (de_dusk) but I think I'll have to wait until after my exams.
15:54 - 23/05/2005 - In Search of Enlightenment -
It's so easy to lose sight of what's important because of completely insignificant things. Once again, I am unable to make words express what I'm trying to convey. I guess it's best if I give an example, I think the some of the most important things in life is to be kind, considerate, and compassionate and understand to everybody else, but it's so easy for me to become confrontational or aggressive just because of an implication or opinion about something I feel strongly about. Sometimes these little things have been engineered by the other person to provoke that exact response but that doesn't make it any better. I have noticed that I often do the same, not even on purpose, and have to think hard to make sure I don't try to provoke negative responses for my own purposes. This is all very subjective and hard to share with others, but I still wish I could share my thoughts, share all the little implications I see and how I interpret them, and hear other peoples. I sometimes feel trying to describe in words what is between words is an almost futile task.
Of course to try and discuss this kind of thing the other person has to be in a similar state of mind, or willing to try to change to it, this is hard because people so often just work on automatic, getting done what needs to be done, using the minimum amount of thought just to get it done in the ways we already know that work. People sometimes don't want to leave these own little worlds of theirs because it works and they are happy with it. But what's the point of going through life with everything just 'working', I feel that sharing thoughts and feelings is the only way we ever get closer to truly understanding anything, being the scientist I am, I want to understand how everything works, and more importantly why it works the way it does.
12:31 - 15/05/2005 - Kaela Mensha Khaine -
Computers are my Curse and my Saviour, they steal my time away, stop me working, interfere with my social interactions and generally fuck up my life. They also provide simple and easy relaxing, even when I feel unbelievably shit I can easily cheer myself up with my PC, & it helps me through stressful and unhappy times. As well as providing an important skill for the future (everyone is going to need to operate computers sooner or later).
Enough of that shit, I'm feeling marginally better now, if you want to know what upset me ask, I don't feel like pasting it in a public place. Other notable stuff that happened last week, I got 2 packets of polo's for the price of one, jumped off an 8 foot wall because I couldn't find the exit to Southside, hurt myself jumping off an 8 foot wall & went to TGIs with Emma and Rob on Friday night. Now I'm going to work on my physics presentation for next week, I'm just gonna slap something together I think, I don't really feel like putting much effort in.
Me, Rob & Emma, although we're gonna need more help I'm guessing, have decided we're gonna try and make a HL2 mod. It's mainly gonna be a get into modding process rather than make an uber mod, I think. I don't know how that'll develop but it is being left until after all of our Exams. Talking of Exams I'd better start some revision soon, damn this computer distracting me with it's pretty and enjoyable games. Oh and if you get the title, you are a geek so you can't call me one without being hypocritical and if you don't get it, your insults mean nothing to me.
21:28 - 10/05/2005 - Coward -
I'm a fucking bastard. I hate myself right now, about the only stopping me from commiting suicide is my cowardice.
21:21 - 09/05/2005 - Observations -
It's funny how when I make a post when I'm lonely, depressed or unhappy, and say so, that it almost always gets no comments. Why the internet is bad I guess, in real life people would try and cheer you up even though it's not very comfortable for them, but as it's the internet people can just pretend they haven't read it and because it's too much trouble they just ignore the fact. Yet another reason why the internet can not and should not replace normal social interactions. Of course it is possible that no body actually reads these posts but reads all the others, though it seems some what unlikely to me. If you hadn't guessed already I'm pretty depressed at the moment, Rachel just got pissed off at me over the phone and I got pissed off because she was and just generally not good. Though she had a good point, I really must find somewhere to live next year, I'll ring places tomorrow after lectures, but now I'm going to go lie on my bed and think until I fall asleep.
00:53 - 09/05/2005 - Late Night Meming -
Freudian Inventory Results
Oral (43%) you appear to have a good balance of independence and interdependence knowing when to accept help and when to do things on your own.
Anal (50%) you appear to have a good balance of self control and spontaneity, order and chaos, variety and selectivity.
Phallic (40%) you appear to have a good balance of sexual awareness and sexual composure.
Latency (26%) you appear to be overly practical; don't undervalue abstract learning, abstract learning increases your ability to make good decisions (and predictions) in the real world so it would be 'impractical' to shun it.
Genital (70%) you appear to have a progressive and openminded outlook on life unbeholden to regressive forces like traditional authority and convention.
Take Free Freudian Inventory Test
Other Meme:
Three names you go by:
Harry
Haz
Hal
Three screen names you have had:
spoonofdeath
Hazard
Absolution
Three Physical things you like about your yourself:
My eyes (who knows what colour they really are!?)
My penis
erm... my Biceps?
Three Physicsal things you don't like about yourself:
My Scar
My hair
The really thin bit of my arm between the bicep and elbow.
Three parts of your heritage:
What Heritage?
Three things that scare you:
Death
Spiders
Being alone.
Three of your everyday essentials:
Food
Drink
Sleep
Three things you are wearing right now:
Nike Trainers
Casio Watch
Moto Jeans
Three of your favourite bands / artists:
Guyver
Daft Punk
Dido (that's what I'm currently listening to)
Three things you want in a relationship:
Trust
Honesty
Sex
Two truths and a lie:
I play too many videogames
I miss having Rachel with me
I am God
Three physical things about the opposite sex that appeal to you:
Eyes
Breasts
Stomach
Three of your favourite hobbies:
Video Gaming
Mapping
Watching Stargate
Three things you want to do really badly right now:
Sleep
Have a deep conversation with somebody
Have company
Three careers you're considering:
I haven't given any thought to it at all.
Three random things you like:
Robert Jordan's Wheel of Time Series
Stargate
Juice
Three kid's names:
Jack
Jenny
Jake
Three things you want to do before you die:
See the world
Have children
Unite the world under an enlightened system of goverment in order to preserve the human race.
Three ways you are sterotypically a boy:
I have a Y choromosone
Sex is good
I have a black belt in Karate
Three ways you are sterotypically a girl:
I think foreplay is better than Sex
I know the general rules of Netball
.. I have at least one X choromosone?
Three celeb crushes:
I don't like celebraties, but I did think when watching X-Men 2, that the actress playing Rogue was very cute & sexy.
22:48 - 07/05/2005 - Late Night Noodles -
Mmmm, late night noodles, taste goood. I would have eaten earlier but someone had their stuff on the stove, but from the fact it was still there 2 hours later, I don't think they were actually cooking anything. I spent the intervening time playing Natural-Selection with Rob, which was fun :D. After food we're going to have a go at CS 1.6! I'm feeling pretty happy because I pently of contact with other human beings today, unlike most Saturdays! I had good chat and vented some of my frustation at my life earlier which has also has help me feel relaxed. I didn't get any actual work done today, but I did get a May page up on my site and also level to 51 on World of Warcraft, oh and went shopping and slept untill 11am.
22:17 - 06/05/2005 - *Ding* -
I just reached level 50 with Elayne (my mage character) on World of Warcraft. Which is nice, although it means I'll probably spend more time on World of Warcraft as level 60 draws ever nearer. Derobrash has overcome his prejudices and installed steam so now I can play Natural-Selection with him! Since version 3 I've become far far better as alien, partly because of the new flashlight, partly because of my new monitor which is actually bright unlike my old one! Got a score of 111 - 13 about 2 hours ago which was fun! While I'm talking about video games, the new Team-KB forum also just launched, marking the change from Natural-Selection to Counter-Strike Source, hopefully we can have some more clan matches, last one we played we won 43-5 which was pleasant. I've got no plans for the weekend :(, except to put up a May page, work on the next beta of de_dusk, some revision and maybe start on a new website design.
17:14 - 03/05/2005 - Interview with Rob -
Here are some questions from Rob to Me:
1. Do you feel foolish that you bought a 'for dummies book' or should I make fun of you a bit more?
2. What is your favourite Star Gate episode?
3. If you had to have sex with a celebrity, who would you choose?
4. Cake or Pie?
5. Have you had your hair cut yet? *fling*
1. You'll have to make fun of me more before I feel foolish, and I've got 3 of them :$ (Now I am embarassed).
2. Window of Opportunity (Teal'c and O'Neill are stuck in a time loop...).
3. Too many to choose from, first one I can think of, Holly Valance. (Had to?)
4. Cake, probably.
5. Yes.
Now anyone that wants to do it here leave a comment and I'll ask you questions, then people read it in your blog and then you ask questions and they write in their blog and then someone else reads their blog and then the first anonamous person asks the second anon.... You get it.
17:02 - 03/05/2005 - Geek -
Today I've been far less introverted and geeky than I normally am in that I was much more social not actually spending any time by myself, which is normal for in lectures and classworks, but not for getting lunch and just hanging around with people after lectures rather than just coming back here. I'm happy also because this meant I spent more time outside on such a nice day. I think I shall have to join a club of some kind though what I don't know yet, Nikki suggests I should try Taekwondo (I think that's how it's spelt) which I shall investigate.
Rachel sent me a Article from T2, which talked about a 'high-flying' Japaneese Woman who is in love with an Otaku who is refered to as No. 59, where otaku are 'young men' who are obessive about things like Manga comics, RPGs and other such things, which in my terminology translate as nerd, or possibly super-nerd (where even regular nerds throw rocks at them and steal their lunch - Ctrl Alt Del). It was a pretty interesting article which was trying to suggest (I don't know if there is any truth in it or if it's just a good story) that some high earning women in Japan are now looking to these Otaku for love, for many reasons such as their innocences and honesty among other things.
Now I don't really consider myself a nerd (or super-nerd), in that by my definition these having some or all of the following; poor personal higene, no nice clothes, can't talk to girls, have mental problems. Only joking with the last one, I think... Anyway I'd like to think I'm clean, with nice clothes, no mental problems and can talk to girls so I'm not a nerd. I am however rather obessive with things like computing & video gaming, Stargate [I've watched 4 and a bit series of Stargate since I got back 10 days ago]. I like to call this conjunction of obsessiveness and introvertedness with some social skill as dress sense as being a 'geek'. Back to the point. if there ever was one, something in the article caught my eye; "otaku decide that life's too short to spend on anything other than what you're really passionate about". I've thought this to myself many a time;"I should go and revise" or more generally "I should go do something productive", but then I think; "fuck it, I want to play this game," or watch this program, or basically do whatever it is I want to do, and I'm gonna do what I want with my life! I'd just thought I'd share that with you.
Back to the non-abstract philosophising, I'm going to go to the shop and get washing powder and juice because, i) I need juice ii) I need to do some washing or I'm going to run out of socks.